The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Less talking, more tequila
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
