just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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