There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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