how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
