I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize