Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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