I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How naked do you want me to be?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
