All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
