i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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