he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
bring money and cleavage
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
