The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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