Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
