i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
