Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Randomize
