Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I stole a fireplace last night.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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