Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
