You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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