Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
