If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize