Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
