I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
