Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
