i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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