dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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