Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The uberlube is also flammable
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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