i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
