I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
