I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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