I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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