i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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