peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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