It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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