Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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