He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
