I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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