And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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