It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
