get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
