my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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