Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Who died my cat blue again?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
