Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
