well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Randomize
