I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
