i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
