why didn't you poke me back
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
