i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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