the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
