Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
