She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
