We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
