this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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