You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
