we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
this beer tastes like vomit already
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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