Just cropdusted the office
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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