i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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