how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
