i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
