I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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