all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
